there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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