I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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