i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
