I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
