I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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