I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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