dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
