I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
