I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
