If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
