I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
