when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
