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I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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