I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
