Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
