maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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