I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
