your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize