I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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