That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
