just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
