My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
