Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
