I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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