Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
