I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
