Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize