so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
