she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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