I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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