I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
