She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
