That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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