Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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