i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
