Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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