i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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