Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Ketchup is God's man juice
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just had sex on a roof
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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