also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
