Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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