THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
