ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
