I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
