i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
