Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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