I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
