i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
