My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
