cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
