after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
