I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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