the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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