It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
