i need an iv and a liver transplant
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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