oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
porn star boner night. come get it.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
