got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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