Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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