i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
