Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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