I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
