Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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