I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
