Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
