Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize