Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
